Last month on another site where I had an internet presence, I was cyber-bullied and attacked. The most frustrating part of the experience was having it spill over into other areas of my life that I felt had nothing to do with the particular internet community in which I was engaged where the bullying took place. Someone even found this poetry blog somehow and left a comment on one of my poems addressing the drama at the other site. I was so incredibly offended by that. I believed that this blog was a place for my writing to be respected and taken care of by others who come by here on occasion; to ignore the content of the site and simply fixate on silliness happening elsewhere felt like a violation of what I thought was a sacred writing space.
I’ve since come to realize that no space can be completely sacred in the eyes of others. Anywhere I exist – be it in the virtual or real world – is at risk of disrespect from outsiders. I am fooling myself if I pretend otherwise.
So what do I do in response? Do I shut everything down, turn inwards, stop engaging in things I enjoy doing because of those with malicious intent who gain pleasure from tearing people down? When I took down my YouTube channels many people emailed me and said I was “letting them win.” I am still struggling with this idea. I was not making videos to “win” anything. I don’t have blogs to score first place in some internet race. I made videos simply because I enjoyed doing them, and they seemed to help some people, and those two things together made me happy.
My blogs motivate me to write. When I slack off, I know they are sitting out there, testaments to what I am capable of achieving but currently ignoring. Many times I come to this or my other online homes with no idea what I am going to write, or photograph, or say in front of a camera. Many times I have no motivation beyond the idea that I committed to starting this “thing,” and I should really keep up with it. But I start speaking, or writing, or taking pictures, and the content comes. This, to me, is the magic of the online communities within which I exist. The possibility of an instant audience is, in its essence, a gift. It is a blessing. One for which I am very grateful.
No audience is perfect however. There are always hecklers. There are always those whose desires do not match my own; who have an agenda I cannot understand but also cannot completely avoid. The truth is these spaces have never been sacred by the sole fact of their existence. It is what I bring to them that makes them so. If others bring negativity, insanity, or drama instead – well then, the internet and my space within it can become that to them. But it does not have to taint my connection to them as inspiring and important elements of my life.
There is a risk in putting myself out here for others to see that is somewhat different from what I thought it was before. I always knew my poetry could get stolen, or people could dislike what I wrote enough to leave unkind words in response to my work. What I didn’t know was that people can come here who do not respect any aspect of it; my hard work, my self-expression, my research, my struggle to communicate ideas of which even I am unclear. If nothing else, I can become more aware of my own vulnerability and resist the temptation to either hide away or fight back, as if those are the only two options available to me. They are people I do not understand, after all, and it is that which makes them frightening to me. Understanding them does not include behaving as they do or condoning such ugliness; but it does mean feeling less shocked and threatened by it all.
So the theme for the month is “Returning” – to my online homes, the communities that help keep them strong, and the aspects of myself that make me feel whole. I am engaging in Fiona and Kaspa’s “River of Stones” project for the month of January, and in doing so hope to build this space back up into what it was becoming before my confidence and sense of security were shaken. But – and this is important to note – I will do so wisely, with a deeper awareness of how vast the internet is and how its inherent neutrality can be used to negative ends as easily as it can for positive ones. I now know I am not wholly “safe” hanging out here in the virtual world, and hope to protect myself accordingly. I am thinking here not as much of this blog as of others I run, but I will remember it here too. I will return to this blog and my others, but wiser and better prepared for whatever negativity I might encounter.
Hi MM,
I think your blogs add something to the world. I would say make sure you retain the ability to censure the comments of those who respond to you. If they are haters, there is no reason to allow them to try to embarrass you publicly by permitting them access to your forums. If your other forums don’t have the ability to censure their comments, find ones that do. Best Wishes,
R.
Thanks for your kind words. I’ve discovered there are things I can control, and things I can’t. I can definitely delete rude comments and I did move my videos somewhere I hopefully have more protection than YouTube provided – but you know what? If someone wants to steal a picture of me and make stupid videos that insult me, and email people to tell them lies about me, what can I do? Not a thing. So, I will control what I can for sure, but I also have to let some things be what they are without shutting down myself. It is pretty amazing how far some people will go just to f*ck with others, that’s for sure. Takes way more dedication than I would ever be willing to put out. Guess we’re all committed to something, though…
Yeah,
It’s sad the evil length with which some people will go because they have nothing better than that which they choose to do. I’m shaking my head in disbelief at the truism that no matter where someone falls on the scale of good, that someone else will dislike them JUST FOR THAT REASON! We all get splattered with mud at some time but it is good to know that there are friends who will walk with you until the mess that other people make gets cleaned up.
So glad you made this decision — though of course only you will be able to judge whether it was the right one. Whether you decide to resume posting videos to YouTube, or decide to use Vimeo or some other site (or just stick with VideoPress), I’d suggest either not allowing any comments, or requiring all comments to go into a moderation queue. YouTube commenting culture is just the pits.
“YouTube commenting culture is just the pits.”
That’s about the best summation of my experience there as any I’ve been able to generate myself. Engaging in conversation over there is probably what got the whole ridiculous mess started. As far as my other online venture is concerned, comments are OFF both with the videos and at the blog I run. It’s going to be about providing information only from now on. This does not apply to poetry or photography however – those two content areas appear to be sane. So far.
I love you so much, and hate you had this problem. I agree with everything you wrote. I quit blogging for ages because to do so without anonymity became painful, and it takes a lot to get geeked up to start again. The answer, as you know, is to become a pachyderm. Is a hippo a pachyderm? I hope so, because I like them. – Love, your redhaired fan in NC.
Oy, I’ve replied to this three times already, but it isn’t showing up! Anyway. It took me a while to figure out who this was. The whole thing has made me so paranoid! I want to continue to trust the world, but the older I get, the harder that becomes. I hope pachyderms have very thick skin. I need it.
Geez, I’m sorry to hear you’ve had to deal with so much unwarranted negativity. And I’m glad you’re sticking around.
Thanks – I’m certainly going to try!
I once put up a blog post that contributed to me losing my job and eventually my livelihood, but I have not stopped blogging. I’m just a little more careful what I say. It is too bad that things have to be that way; however, you can limit the blog to a small private circle. I say that knowing that had you done that, I wouldn’t be allowed in to say what I’m saying now. Life is hard. People can be nasty. But you need to keep doing what you do despite that.
Wow, that’s harsh! Glad to see you’re still around.
Glad to see you back. I’ve had a couple experiences like this, but as much as a space can be not completely sacred, remember that (in many fora, at least), you are still the one with the most power. Especially on a blog: you can brook no nonsense with commentary, revise and remove at your discretion, and (if things get truly out of hand) take action at a higher level. (The moderators of WP will help you out, for example.) But in any cases, I can’t imagine there’s a place online where your support would not be overwhelming, and I am happy to stand up for you. Everyone who adds beauty to the world should have a right to do so unimpeded.
Thanks, Joseph! I’m glad to be back and I appreciate the support.
Your blog posts are like tiny candles in the ocean of dark…a beacon of hope that touches someone, somewhere. Stay with us…Eric
Thank you very much, Eric.
Jeez It still astounds me what humans can behave like, I was bullied as a ginger boy, my daughter was bullied for being super blonde, it’s nearly always jealousy, which is sad and you have to pity these people, sometimes though it’s mental sickness, cyber space is full of all human types. Anyway sorry this should happen to someone that shines in beauty and feeling and has depth. Try not to ever let it get to you, it’s the bullies that need help, keep creating and remembering that the majority of people love what you do.
Thanks Mord, and thanks for stopping by!
Good to know your back on top
Thanks Lana! Things feel more normal now…friends help
I recently had similar problems on Flickr, it is amazing the lengths people will go to and the time and effort they spend, i especially had to giggle at the fact that my cyber stalker sent me pages long emails and pictures in the middle of the night to tell me how upset she was that i accused her of cyber stalking !!! Er….hello ?! These ‘people’ are sad and pathetic individuals, consumed by jealousy and negativity. A friend tells me they should be treated as ‘vulnerable’ adults with mental illness, but i disagree, they know exactly what they are doing when they log online to deride others, and i have nothing but contempt for them. However, like you, i dont let their petty negativity spoil my hobbies- the delete button is all powerful !!!
Oh no, not Flickr too! It has felt so safe to me so far. Oh well. I just keep telling myself not to be taken aback next time and try to roll with it better. Guess the ugliness is everywhere…and yes, they generally will accuse YOU of doing everything that THEY are doing to you! Crazy.
Cynthia, I am glad to hear you are back. You’ve been missed over at WWP. Don’t let the bullies win.
Pamela
Thank you! I’m back on track now. Haven’t been over to WWP in awhile due to getting back into the swing of school and interning, but I plan to jump back in soon.
I am glad you’re back too. Like so many others, sad to say, I’ve had an incident on my site as well. It took some time to recover, but I had to come back. I was denying myself by not writing. Now if I can just get my kid to care about his grades so I can spend more time writing and less time doing academic/homework enforcement. *SIGH* I’m slowly catching up on reading blogs, so I look forward to leaving rabbit tracks all over your site.
I know – time gets away from us, doesn’t it? Sorry you had to deal with the craziness too. But it’s part and parcel of online life, I guess.
Clicked here from Susannah’s blog by chance, as I remembered how you’re missing over at WWP. I love para 4 — it sums up how I feel about blogging. Often I feel like going inward as well. But that’s all kind of pointless. I like that blogging is a practice of creativity with people who support and love what you do.
True, but it is not without its downside. It’s a weird world and i guess we’re all still figuring out how it all fits together…