Don’t Be A Wig-tim

There is a statement I hear over and over again when contacted by women who, for whatever reason, want or need to wear wigs and are just getting started. And that statement is some variation of this: “Everyone else looks great in their wigs, but they all look bad on me.” Perhaps they use different adjectives, but the sentiment is the same, and the sentiment is a destructive one.

Any time you find yourself thinking, about wigs or anything else that’s going on in your life, “Everyone else can do ___________, but I can’t,” then, I hate to say it this bluntly, but you are giving in to a victim mentality. And a victim mentality is a sure-fire way to stay stuck in whatever mess you’re currently in.

You may get pissed at me for saying this, because it sounds like a variation of the “get over it” message you’ve probably been subjected to enough already throughout your ordeal. And it is true that you actually have been a victim of hair loss, and it has quite possibly depressed you, tormented you, done a serious number on your self-esteem, and a dozen other things. That’s the reality of your situation. But being a victim of unfortunate circumstances and understanding what those circumstances are is not the same thing as adopting a victim mentality, wherein you allow self-talk to drag you even further down into the dumps than your very real circumstances already have.

I know it sounds like B.S., but self-talk matters. And telling yourself that everyone else in the world gets to look good in a wig but you is succumbing to victimhood (embedded within that victimhood is a huge helping of self-hatred too, by the way). The problem becomes, not your hair loss, but you. You are the thing that is flawed, not your stupid hair which has decided to quit doing the one damn job hair has to do in this world, which is sit on top of your head and cover your scalp and not vacate the premises.

So let’s get one thing straight: YOU are not the problem. Your hair loss is. And you are not the reason you’re having a hard time finding a wig you like – it’s the hair loss again. You are used to your real hair, of course, because who isn’t? And you are having a hard time accepting the look of a wig on your head. That’s understandable. But you must STOP telling yourself that everyone in the world can wear wigs but you – unless your head is shaped like a triangle or your eyes are on the top of your head and when you put on a wig they disappear and you can’t see, then of course you can wear a wig and look OK. Everyone else who needs to do so, as well as many who don’t, can pull it off, and so can you.

Now. Having said all that, it is quite possible that you have not found a wig you LIKE on your own head yet. Fine. That does take time. I’ve said it here before and I’ll say it again: if you buy one of the “bestseller” wigs from any website that has such a list, you can absolutely put it on and leave the house in it – even if you don’t like the way it looks. A wig doesn’t become a bestseller without getting purchased and re-purchased by tons of women who wear wigs, so chances are any of them is perfectly acceptable and fairly undetectable – why else would so many people buy it repeatedly? Remember that you have two goals: get something to put on your head so you can get out of the house and get on with your life, and find a wig you really love. The former is an immediate, short-term goal, and the latter is long-term and will take time to accomplish. If you make yourself sit at home and hide out while you search for your own personal One True Wig you are going to miss out on a lot of life, so get that short-term goal met and find something to stick on your head while you continue searching.

Not liking the many, many wigs you try out while you both get used to seeing yourself in them and decide what style and type of wig you like is the reality of needing to wear wigs. The victim mentality approach is telling yourself, every time you try on a wig you don’t like, that everyone else could wear that wig and look fine except for YOU. Stop blaming yourself for the difficulty you’re having dealing with the realities of hair loss. It’s a pain in the butt and it sucks, but it is not your fault, and you are not the problem. Biology is.  Stop being mean to yourself.

You’re probably thinking this is all pretty easy for me to say, with my nice full head of healthy hair underneath my wigs. And you’re right. It is easy for me to say – THAT’S WHY I AM THE ONE SAYING IT. Who else is going to do so? Someone who’s beating herself up as much as you are? In fact, if you went to that person with your troubles, you’d probably end up fighting over who is more cursed – so allow me to step in and attempt to put an end to all that. If I could, I’d stick a Noriko Sky on both of you and ship you off to the mall so you can buy some nice shoes or nail polish instead of yet another wig that you’re going to use to beat yourself up with when you look at yourself in the mirror (there’s probably some sort of hair shirt analogy I could make here, but I’m running out steam, and you get the idea anyway). The bottom line is: You are not the problem, and you can do, and wear, anything you want and/or need to so you can take care of all your other life-business. Now go out and do it!

22 thoughts on “Don’t Be A Wig-tim

  1. Yes! I agree totally. Hey, I got into wigs because I watched a You Tube Wig party and WOW…I saw women of all ages having FUN. They looked so good and that started my addiction. I think more women need to try wigs and enjoy the ability to have short or long or blonde or red hair whenever you want! Also I have found the more I wear them the more I’m willing to be daring…try different styles I never thought would look good. I do stick to blondes because of my complexion but I have gone darker than I thought I would. I think you also need to PLAY with them….don’t be afraid of them….trim them a bit…wash them…mess them up! Think of them as a make-up! I’m 60 and I am having a blast with mine….I have always had thin hair and now I can have the hair I’ve always wanted! I had my thin hair foiled last year….might as well have burnt it that got me started…and so glad it did !

    • Yes I started wearing them when I damaged by hair and had to shave it all off and start over. It is harder to wear wigs with my longer hair now, and I rather miss the convenience of throwing one on and going!

  2. Very well said, I started wearing hair because of my trichotillomaina as you are aware. It gives me the hair that I want when ever I want. I’ve worn everything from $50 bucks to a few $100 bucks crappy hair to human hair. I still like synthetic over human because the fibres tend to stay after washing. But you have to try wigs on if you can and have fun and play. Most people can’t tell and aren’t looking to spot a person with a wig there to busy with their own lives to worry about your hair. And though I have a full head of hair now. I still like rocking a wig and having that option.

  3. APPLAUSE!!! I appreciate all of this, AND what Betzie added–wigs are like make-up. Takes some cojones to try something different, but when you relax and get into it, it’s a blast.

    I’ll add: people don’t notice half of what you THINK they notice. Seriously. Unless you’re wearing a rainbow dreadlock fright wig to buy gum at the Grab ‘n Git…no one is examining your skull that closely. Get a thing on your head and move onward.

    I wear wigs because I got my dad’s hair (and promptly lost it, thus reinforcing his belief that I just never could take care of his stuff): genetically doomed to have the dome of a naked baby bird. Glue-in extensions were expensive to maintain and wrecked the three hairs I had. Not only are wigs an economically-right choice…they’re also liberating. I can be an Innuendo brunette, an Ellen Wille Sky blonde, a Reese Razberry red, a swoopy two-toned Amal…I even have a midnight blue Kharma wig that’s surprisingly cute. Betzie’s “Play with them” is wonderful advice.

    Your bottom line is spot-on. No one should exhaust herself being a wigtim. Life is short and precious. Your hair-hat can be whatever you choose, from the multitude of options. Get a thing on your head and go on with yourself. How cool is THAT.

    (TL:DR — Life is short. Wear some hair!)

    • Oops, I commented in the wrong place. Sorry!

      The tricky thing is, sometimes people do notice, and when it happens even once all confidence can be lost. I always tell myself that the people who give me sh*t about wearing wigs would certainly just find something else to attack me over anyway. Even in that case, it still isn’t YOU that’s the problem. No need to blame ourselves for other people’s shortcomings, OR for hair loss. I’ve run out of the house in pretty bag wigs on occasion, and it was all still good.

      I always call short wigs hair hats, too BTW.LOL

      • I had a moment of crisis last week when my sweet neighbor, who knows about and loves my fake hair collection and REALLY wasn’t thinking, praised my latest wig ::out loud:: in front of a gathering of her family at a backyard cookout. The looks on their faces was the equivalent of *cricketscricketscrickets* so I just rolled with it. What else could I do! YES, GROUP OF STRANGERS, THIS HAIR IS NOT REAL! (What a trial by fire THAT was! Oh well. I made some new friends and took an extra serving of good pulled pork.)

        • Yes that is true – I have another post somewhere where I talk about the perils of being open about wearing wigs, and that IS one of them. Other people, to whom you are very upfront and honest with, will then think that means you don’t mind if EVERYONE you encounter knows and will bring up your wig in front of total strangers. It happened to me at my internship because I’d told everyone in my department, so when we were in a bigger meeting with other departments my supervisor just told everyone there about how I wear all these different wigs on different days, blah blah blah. And I too got the crickets response. I was a little pissed, but at the same time I recognized that she had interpreted my blase’ attitude about it as meaning I didn’t care who talked about it and where they chose to do so. You could use this as an opportunity to pull that friend aside and let her know that even though you are OK with wearing wigs, it’s up to YOU to decide when to discuss it with others and it’s not OK for her to just blurt it out when you’re in a group. I think at times others see how much confidence we project and then assume it’s OK to talk about it with anyone at any time, and they don’t understand that it’s not. Sorry that happened, because I’ve been there and it IS awkward.

  4. I completely agree! Most entry woman’s hair is ‘fake’ in some capacity – dyed, flat ironed, curled, extensions. And everyone is more worried about what they look like to pay attention to what you look like. I started a new job a couple years ago in a short wig and wore a new longer one a week later and **no one noticed**.
    But I have to admit, I was lost in victimhood/why-me’s the first few years of my alopecia when some would grow in and more would fall out. I had to hit bottom and finally decide not to hang my happiness on my hair.

    • I certainly don’t want to appear insensitive to the difficulties hair loss creates – I just feel sad when people blame themselves for it, and defeat themselves by saying they just cannot look good in ANY wig. But honestly, even if that were true, there has to be a way to live a full life anyway! And wigs come with their own problems for sure. But especially in the beginning, just find something and put it on. Or wear a hat, or wear nothing and go out anyway. I just hate to hear of people unwilling to leave the house until they have that perfect wig on their head (doesn’t exist, of course). Life begins now, not when that perfect wig shows up!

  5. Thank you. This was very enlightening. The wig problem didn’t necessarily apply to me, but the concept did apply to other avenues of dissatisfaction within my life.
    Really got me thinking. Thanks.

    • Sure, Rebecca! I actually wrote this a long time ago; it was on my wig blog back when I ran one. I keep forgetting I have loads of stuff to upload from there.

  6. I enjoyed reading all your blogs and comments. You give great advice to new wig wearers like myself and others. This morning I received my Angelica wig by Noriko in iced mocha and I think it’s great and I’m very satisfied with the wig; she is a keeper. Like you mention in your video she is gorgeous right out of the box, the texture of fiber is soft and smooth. Cap construction is nice, and I love the amount of hair for myself; any more hair then it has would be to much. When I wore it for the first time my husband couldn’t believe it was a wig. Its a great style for me; I’m thinking of ordering one in Almond spice.

    • Angelica is gorgeous in Almond Spice! Where did you get yours? You can get it at Name Brand Wigs or Gallery of Wigs for about $86 plus shipping, just FYI. I just now realized it comes in Chocolate Swirl, so I may have to get another one.

  7. One quote I loved that you said Cynthia is “PISS OFF WORLD!” Not in this post but another one you wrote. Bravo! THe older I get the more I agree…if a “hair hat” makes you feel better about yourself just like make-up, botox(haven’t tried it YET), false eyelashes, etc. that’s what counts.

    • Ha ha – that was on one of my headband wig reviews. I’ve been getting Botox for about 4 years now, and I do like the results. BUT it is more preventative than curative – you get it before the wrinkles start to slow down making them! Once the wrinkles are there, it’s either fillers or a facelift. And of couse, the wrinkles settle in anyway, it just takes a lot longer with Botox.

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