SPOILERS BELOW! Don’t read if you don’t want to know.

What’s the Horror: Two climbers get stuck on top of a 2,000 ft. tower

Does the Dog Die? There’s the death of one extremely mean bird

Gore Factor: Maybe a 2? Aside from the bird, there’s really no gore in this one

Character Quality: Weak. Borderline annoying. But there are enough thrills for me to overlook it.

Re-Watch Scale: I re-watch this one a lot. It’s an easy watch, and those heights never cease to freak me right the hell out.

Indeed, as a movie, Fall should not work. I think for many people it does not. But given how long I have been watching horror movies, the big thrill I get out of this one is that it actually terrifies me. I’ve watched it many times now, and every time I cringe, wince, and hide my eyes – the tall shots never cease to freak me out, and that’s a lot of fun and one of the reasons I love horror. It’s great to find a movie that will get to me repeatedly, even if it is wildly uneven, ridiculously stupid, and completely implausible. Hey, I’m a horror fan. I’m used to these characteristics.

SPOILERS BELOW! DON’T READ IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW!!

As previously mentioned, Fall is about two female climbers who climb a 2,000-ft tower on a lark and then get stuck up there. If you’re wondering how a movie could sustain this premise for an hour and forty-five minutes, well, it’s clear the writers already thought of that. Unfortunately, they toss in some silly side stories to try and pad out the length, and those things hold the movie back from being awesome. Stephen King said he wished he’d thought of the premise and written a book before anyone else came up with the idea, and I totally agree. If anyone could have made this premise work over a series of days, he could have. But he didn’t. Oh well.

Our main character is Becky, and we first see her as she and her husband Dan, along with her best friend Hunter, are scaling the side of a huge cliff. Now look, I know nothing about rock climbing. I am lucky to climb a flight of stairs without toppling over. But my first impression was that these people did not look like experienced climbers. First of all, with the exception of Hunter, they seem terrified to be as high up as they are, and Becky in particular comes across as very unsure of herself.

Dan doesn’t appear to be much better, because when he slips and takes a swift plummet down until his rope (or whatever they call it) breaks his fall, he is instantly panicked beyond belief. I have to assume that this sort of thing is always a possibility when one is climbing a freaking cliff that never intended to be climbed, so I would imagine there is a proper way to rectify a situation such as this. Isn’t that why they are all attached to each other and there are ropes and clips and pulleys and shit everywhere? Again, I know absolutely nothing about that of which I speak, but his immediate freak out (complete with “high danger” music in the background) makes me wonder just why either he or Becky started doing this stuff in the first place. They both come across as nervous as hell and overly reactive to every little thing that happens – you know, more like EXACTLY like I would be if I tried this shit. And it must also be said that the shots of Dan dangling from his rope, spinning and struggling and squealing, involve what turns out to be the worst green screen of the movie. He just looked so incredibly fake here, and it worried me about how good the rest of the movie would look. But the rest of it is fine,, so I’ve no idea why this scene didn’t look better.

Cut to Becky a year later, sitting in a bar by herself, getting drunk, and listening to Dan’s voicemail message over and over. She staggers out of a bar that looks very “1970’s New York City”, and oops – there’s her dad waiting next to her car. He’s worried about her and tells her she needs to stop glorifying her dead husband and get on with her life, which is – a weird thing to say. I get the whole get on with your life part, but telling someone who recently lost their spouse to stop idolizing them in their mind is pretty bold, and as Becky points out, not particularly useful.

I have to say that the actress playing Becky doesn’t have the gravitas to nail this scene. She just looks so very young, and while even very young women lose spouses, I don’t feel like they take to frequenting seedy bars that are clearly watering holes for professional, pathetic, seasoned alcoholics. The whole scene comes across as cliche as a result.

Cut to Becky in her apartment, with Dan’s ashes still in a USPS box on a table. At least, we assume it’s his ashes. If not, then damn, there really wasn’t much left of him after he landed. Becky tries to call Dan’s voicemail again, but oh my – it’s been shut down. Becky loses it and starts scrambling through her cabinets, looking for what we can assume is enough medication to end her life. Fortunately her cell phone rings – her ringtone is “Cherry Pie” by Warrant, which is done heavily-handed enough for us to get that the song is going to have some significance later. This movie doesn’t exactly hide its cards, kids. Anyway, it’s her friend Hunter, who was climbing the cliff with Becky and Dan when he fell to his death. Hooray! Becky lives!

Hunter has “come back” from wherever she’s been because good old Dad called to tell her how bad off Becky is. Hunter does come across as likable and sincere in this scene, if a little pushy. See, Hunter has a new climb she wants to pull off, and she thinks Becks should come along, which seems a bit much to ask. But, according to her in some of the film’s signature clunky dialogue, Hunter tells her that if she doesn’t face her fears now she’ll be scared forever. Which may be true, but when your loved one plummets to his death in service to a cliffside that never wanted him there, well, maybe Becky should be afraid. I’m just saying. I think there are many, many things Hunter could have suggested here to push Becky out of her doldrums that did not involve putting her in danger. Maybe, I dunno, clean out your apartment instead? Take a trip to the beach? I’m just spitballin here.

What Hunter has in mind is climbing something she calls the “B67 TV Tower.” Cut to pictures Hunter has on her phone showing said tower. It’s tall. It’s rusty. It’s a tower. So yeah. Hunter wants Becky to climb this thing with her. It’s only a six-hour drive, after all, which – is it just me? – seems long a long way to travel. Damn, how long did they drive to reach The Cliff of Dan’s Departure? Because however long it took was too long, all things considered. Hunter wants the two of them to climb the tower, and Becky quite reasonably declines, although we all know she’ll change her mind because if she doesn’t, no movie. Sure enough, the next morning Becky walks into the bathroom while Hunter is brushing her teeth and says, “If you’re scared of dying don’t be afraid to live,” which is apparently something Dan used to say. Real deep, Dan. But maybe you should have been just a leeeeetle more afraid of dying dude. Just a little. But whatever – floating on a sea of Hunter and Dan’s platitudes, Becks is inspired. So she agrees to climb this TV tower. Hunter, of course, is thrilled.

Cut to Hunter and Becky driving up a dirt road in a desert-looking area, “Cherry Pie” accompanying their journey. Surprise! It’s Cherry Pie time again! Then we cut to inside the SUV where Becky is watching a video of herself on Hunter’s phone. She’s pole dancing – sort of? – in that we see her grab a pole and attempt to bend herself backward. Oof. I hope that wasn’t some kind of competition. Becky comments on how “ripped” she was, although she looks no different to me, and Hunter tells her she is awesome and she wants that old Becky back. So couldn’t you have suggested that they go do some pole dancing instead of this? Seems way safer. Becky then starts flipping through Hunter’s other photos in that incredibly intrusive and inappropriate way most people do when you give them your phone to show them ONE PICTURE. Stop doing that, people. It’s rude as fuck.

Becky flips to a picture of Hunter leaning over a balcony railing and smiling widely. She has a lovely smile. There’s what is clearly a man’s hand across her shoulder. Gee, who is that guy, Becky wonders. Hunter blanches a bit and says she doesn’t even remember because it was so long ago. Annnnnnnd if you can’t see that bit of writing on the cliff wall then I don’t know what to do with you. Not subtle, this film.

I’d prefer to skip this next scene, which is just the girls eating in a diner, but there are anvils aplenty that must be dropped, so here we are. We find out that Hunter has a YouTube channel called “Danger D,” which is completely horrible, and if you don’t get the hint that she names her channel Danger D and has no D in her name and Becky’s husband was named Dan, then again, you’re on your own here. Because seriously. Becky still has no clue though, and focuses not on the horrible channel name but on the fact that Hunter appears to be playing a character on her channel and not acting like her real self. Because in general, that never happens. Whatever Becky. Hunter exposits that her channel is sponsored, so she makes coin from going on dangerous excursions. I can’t recall if it’s now or later when Hunter says she just doesn’t feel alive unless she’s doing something dangerous, which aside from being clunky as hell, I guess also explains the whole “Danger D” situation. Climbing towers is one thing, but sleeping with married men? Now that’s dangerous. But somehow I suspect she didn’t upload those videos to her channel. Moving on.

We gotta plunk down one more anvil before we leave – Becky’s phone is out of juice, so Hunter removes the light bulb from the lamp, and aligns the prongs of Becky’s charger with the holes that I assume hold the light bulb in place? I dunno, all I know is she does this and Becky’s phone starts charging. Since this is a lot of focus on something that surely doesn’t seem to matter, we can only assume this will come in handy at some point in the future.

Cut to Becky in a dream, lying in bed with Dan beside her. She tells him she loves him, and Dan responds by – tapping on her hip with his fingertips? He basically taps out the letter of each word in the phrase “I love you,” (tap once for I, tap four times for love, and three times for you – whatever Dan) and by the way Becky reacts this is the first time he’s done such a thing. I have no idea how long they’re supposed to have been married by now, or why this matters, or why he doesn’t just say it anyway, but suddenly Becks is covered with blood and then she wakes up. Time to climb! There’s a shot of the hotel floor as the curtains wave in the breeze, and damn, that is one dirty floor. Do not walk barefoot in there, Becky! Talk about danger.

Unfortunately, Hunter is much more interested in filming a spot for her YouTube channel than paying attention to where she’s driving, because the two haven’t even left the parking lot before almost creamed by an oncoming truck. Do not trust Hunter, Becky! She’s still likable, but I get the feeling that the only thing y’all are going to be climbing is the stairway to heaven. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Let’s get to this damn tower and get the movie started for real. It’s ridiculously tall. It’s old. It’s surrounded by fencing and menacing signs that unsurprisingly warn people that death is lurking. So maybe they should be unafraid to live? But Becky is afraid, so fuck off, Dan. As Hunter describes the tower to her iPhone – to be uploaded to YouTube later – Becky quite reasonably starts to panic. She tells Hunter she can’t do it. Because she is a sane human being. But Hunter ain’t havin it. She gives Becky a pep talk that would be sympathetic and kind if she were trying to convince Becky to do anything other than this to get over her fears. But it works. Becky tells Hunter that’s the kind of inspiring message she should be posting on Instagram instead of her Danger D persona, and I thought it was YouTube, but whatever movie. Off they go towards the tower.

Hunter runs to the bottom of the tower, exclaiming “Holy shit! How awesome is this?” which it clearly is not, Hunter. And there’s something forced in her tone that leads me to believe she knows it’s not. She comes across as trying just a little too hard to be stoked here, which could be her staying in Danger D mode or something. And here is where I have to mention a few other things that bother me about Ms. D. Why is she wearing Converse tennis shoes? Becky had the smarts to wear actual climbing clothes, but Hunter looks like she’s dressed for Coachella instead of the B67 TV tower. Maybe she’s dressed for the Fyre Festival. I hear it’s making a comeback. Short shorts, Converse sneakers, a push-up bra that elevates her knockers (tits get the clicks, she says, and heh. I’ll give her that one). She 100% is not dressed like a serious climber, while Becky is in athletic gear. What gives, Hunter? I guess this is just her dressing for her followers, but if her followers really expect her to wear useless outfits while risking her life then they should all fuck off, in my opinion. Anyway, they do that thing climbers do when they hook themselves together because that is helpful for reasons I don’t understand. Maybe we should ask Dan, who is in Becky’s backpack at the moment, by the way, so they can scatter his ashes from the top of the tower.

And here comes the best part of this movie, hands down (or up, such as it is). The movie has actually done a decent job of building up tension leading to this moment, and some shots of old, shaky nails, rusted-out beams, and rickety wires help raise the stakes. This thing is tall, y’all, and it is absolutely insane that these two are going to climb it. But I’m at home on my sofa so I’m here for it.

I don’t know what I was thinking really, but I was surprised to see there was a ladder that went all the way up to the top of this thing. I mean, hey, it’s only a ladder, right? Just take it one rung at a time and all will be fine! The ladder is inside a cage-like structure for 1800 feet (info thanks to Hunter and her future uploads), but the last 200 feet are out in the open as the ladder breaks free from the structure. Seriously, why? You couldn’t extend the cage another lousy 200 feet, tower? When they reach that part, it’s gonna be windy as hell, and basically awful all around. Hunter is up ahead in her Converse and push-up bra, with Becky trailing behind and panicking the entire way. Remember, this is supposed to be good for you, Becky! Hang in there!

There’s lots of cuts between the duo climbing ever higher, and the structure getting ever more unstable. Somehow, neither one notices. I mean, the thing is shaking, y’all, and shit is just falling off it left and right, plummeting so far down that we can’t see it hit solid ground. This is ridiculous. Why is this happening. Stop this, movie. You’ve lost your mind. Becky grabs one of the rusted rungs, and it snaps off, falling to the ground. We watch it go down in a sickening shot. I don’t even think they’re halfway up yet. Hunter asks if she is OK, and Becky rightly tells her she is not. Because of course she’s not. Hunter keeps climbing up gleefully. Somebody please stop her.

They stop for water. Hunter is amazed that the diner looks like part of a little toy town. Yes, that’s how heights work, Hunter. Next, she’s going to say that everyone looks like ants down there. Imagine what people would look like if they fell off this thing, Hunter. It’s called foreshadowing.

This climbing segment is the best part of the movie, but trying to describe it in detail here would fail to capture that, so suffice it to say after much trembling, quaking, shaking, and looking down when one should clearly only look up, the duo make it to the top of this thing. And they’re happy about this. I get being happy that you didn’t die and all, but I do not get being happy standing on a tiny little rusty metal platform 2000 feet in the air. Go home, movie. The thinning air has bloated your brain.

The girls celebrate for a while, sending Hunter’s drone out to circle around them and take some sickening shots of them risking their lives for thrills and clicks. They also scatter Danger Dan’s ashes. He’s not worth the risk, Becks. You should have just flushed him.

So, woo-hoo, wee-hee, we’re on top of the world. Isn’t Becky glad she faced her fear? Wasn’t Hunter right all along? And just when Becky is about to agree with that statement, Hunter hands Becks her camera and tells her to film her as she squats down and then hangs off the platform like she’s in the world’s worst Presidential Physical Fitness Flexed-Arm Hang. But this is Danger D, after all, so she can’t just hang there holding onto the edge of the platform like a moron, she has to take one hand off for added Darwin points. You win, Ms. D, you win. Can you please stop this now?

Somehow this young and healthy but not even remotely muscular young lady manages not to die and hauls herself back onto the platform. I think we all know what comes next.

Hunter harangues Becks into following suit. “The old Becky would have done it,” she says, but I mean, the old Becky was married to a philandering asshole, so maybe that’s not the most inspiring thing she could have said. But it works. Hunter reassures her that it will all be fine because she is going to hold her hand while she dangles 2,000 feet in the air. That’s right, folks, the chick with a bad YouTube handle and not one visible muscle is going to dangle another human with one arm from the top of a 2,000-foot tower. I mean, not even Michael Jackson was this reckless with Blanket, for Christ’s sake. But soon it’s done. Becky dangles, Hunter manages to both hold her with one arm and snap a photo of her with the other and then pull her back onto the platform. Seriously, can Hunter fly as well? I hope so, because that is a skill she’s going to need pretty soon.

So okay, great. They climbed and conquered this salty bitch of a tower. Now it’s time to get back down to earth. Except the tower has some cards of its own up its steely sleeve, and it’s about to play its creaky old hand. They hook themselves back up or do whatever it is that climbers do before they descend anything they just scaled. Becky goes first. Off the tower and onto the ladder she goes, and as soon as she lets go of Hunter’s superhumanly strong hand, the ladder emits a sickening crack and series of jolts as the camera close-ups on screws popping off and the ladder un-attaching itself from the pole. The ladder breaks free from the top of the platform, sending Becky backward as it folds in half. NEVER LET GO OF HUNTER’S SUPERHUMAN HAND, BECKY. I feel like this one’s kind of on you.

So now Beck’s back to dangling off of the tower again, albeit at a slightly lower elevation. I doubt she finds that comforting. Becky hangs off the edge of the folded ladder for a few seconds before the ladder completely detaches from the tower and plummets to the ground. Becky follows, saved only by the miracle rope tied to Hunter, who uses that one miracle hand to grab onto the pole and stop herself from being dragged down with her.

Becky pulls a Dan by flailing and spinning from the rope while repeatedly banging into the pole and freaking the fuck out. Except this time I don’t blame her. They were nowhere near this high when Dan and his wandering dick met their demise. Hunter uses Magic Hand to wrap the rope around the tower pole and start pulling Becky back up. Hey, I just had a thought – do you think Hunter’s Magic Hand had anything to do with Dan being tempted to cheat on his wife? Seems likely.

Magic Hand manages to pull Becky back up onto the platform and they both start laughing uncontrollably. I get it, you almost died, except that you didn’t. It would be funny if only they still had a ladder to use to climb down, but Becks leans over and looks down, realizing they do not.

And here is where we enter a whole new world of stupid. Because, as it turns out, neither Hunter nor Becky told anyone where they were going, or what they were going to do when they got there. Not even Danger D’s followers know where they are, because Hunter likes to record all the important segments of a new stunt and edit them all together before uploading, rather than upload each segment as she goes. Great job, Hunter. And yes I am putting more blame on you than on Becky because this was your stupid idea, and Becky hasn’t spoken to anyone for like a year so who would she tell? What does your Magic Hand have to say for itself now, DD? Maybe they can jump off and try to land on Dan’s ashes.

I’d also like to point out that it’s clear Hunter did not check out this tower before hooking herself to Becky and climbing up it, because even a perfunctory inspection would have proven that this structure is not stable. I mean, the camera showed us the tower’s flaws way before you gals passed Eiffel Tower height, so I think Hunter should have been able to detect them. If she’d bothered to look, that is. Which she didn’t.

Okay, so we’re 40 minutes into this thing, and it’s time to set up some complications for our climbers. Complications aside from being stuck 2,000 feet in the air, that is. Because just watching them try to climb back down wouldn’t be all that thrilling if they say, figured out some way to rappel down (wouldn’t they need a 2,000-foot rope though?) or did that thing lumberjacks do where they loop something around the tree trunk and scurry down to the ground.

First, they realize their cell phones can’t get reception because they’re up too high (I tried to research whether or not that’s a thing but gave up). As previously mentioned, no one knows where they are. And if it wasn’t obvious from the photos, it’s worth pointing out that the tower is in the middle of the desert, with nothing around for miles. It’s also worth pointing out that this just confirms their stupidity in not letting anyone know where they are. Oh, and Becky’s tower tumble cut a huge gash into her leg that’s bleeding. Hunter has a drone, but the batteries have run down, and true to form Ms. D didn’t bring extras. But even if she had, the gals couldn’t get to them because Becky was wearing the backpack when the tower ladder collapsed, and it fell from her shoulders onto a satellite dish attached to the tower about 100 feet below. This also means they don’t have any water. I’m going to assume these dipshits didn’t pack any food.

So. They have no ladder, no drone, no cell service, no food, and no water. But hey! They do have some binoculars they find in an emergency box and exactly ONE flare loaded into a gun, so if any other human being decides to wander this far into The Desert of Nothingness they can get said human’s attention. Or maybe a spaceship will crash nearby and they can get the attention of the astronauts before they all convince themselves they’re on a foreign planet and kill each other for the supplies. Thank you, Twilight Zone.

Hunter uses the binoculars to spot an old camper in the distance. It looks abandoned. Try again, Hunter. She remembers that her cell phone was getting service when they were at the bottom of the tower before they started climbing. so they decide to tie her phone to the end of their rope and dangle it down as far as they can, after typing out a help message set to upload to her followers as soon as the phone connects. It doesn’t. Hunter decides to try and drop the phone lower by climbing off the platform and onto the tiny piece of ladder still connected to the pole, which is in no way going to make a difference, but it looks good.

Their next plan is to toss Hunter’s phone down to the ground since they know it got cell service when at sanity level. Of course, if they throw the phone from this height, it will just smash to bits – should we call that a preview? – unless they can reinforce it with something to cushion the fall. Is it too late to get Dan’s ashes back? Of course it is, so they decide one of DD’s useless Converse shoes can finally be useful if they stuff the phone into it. Now it’s time for more stupidity. Hunter takes off a Converse and starts to shove her phone into it, but Becky thinks it needs more padding and asks her to take off her sock too. Hunter’s face gets all panicked like it did when Becks asks her who the dude was with her in that picture she saw on Hunter’s phone, and she pauses a quick minute before agreeing to take it off. And if you don’t get how that means Hunter has a tattoo of Dan or at least something Dan-adjacent on her ankle then seriously, stop reading. I’m cutting you off. Becky suggests Hunter take off her ridiculous push-up bra and shove it in the shoe for even more cushion; Hunter agrees. We get this really cool tracking shot of the shoe as it falls; screenshots don’t do it justice but I tried. They can’t even see it hit the ground, so who knows if it worked or not. Oh who I am kidding, we all know it didn’t.

Now that Hunter’s shoe-and-sockless on one foot, Becky notices she has a tattoo – not on her ankle, more like on her instep, which is odd. We just have a second to register that the tattoo says “143” before Hunter exclaims that she sees a guy walking around at the base of the tower. Hmmm, where have we heard those particular numbers in that particular order before? And why didn’t Hunter just take off the other shoe so this little detail would never be seen? Maybe she has a matching one on her other instep. Whatever, Hunter. We’re not worried about that right now because there is indeed a dude with a dog walking around right below them.

Dude’s on his phone, talking to someone about mailing him a check. The girls start screaming, and while the dog hears them, the dude does not, and even after Becky throws both her shoes off the tower to get his attention he walks away. Sorry gals. That sucks. And now you have no shoes. All hope is not lost, though, because the dude and his dog apparently are living in that camper they thought was abandoned, along with another dude. Becks wants to shoot the flare right away, but Hunter rightly assesses that they can’t risk doing it until one of these guys is looking in their direction. And being a little darker outside wouldn’t hurt, either.

The girls engage in the least practical stakeout ever as they peer at the camper through binoculars from 2,000 feet, waiting for them to turn in their direction. Hunter is convinced the two dudes are lovers, which I can’t imagine would matter in this scenario. Gay or straight, they see the flare Becky shoots into the sky, so they leap into the camper and start driving towards the tower. They can, in fact, see them, as Becky and DD are going crazy, waving their cell phone flashlights into the air and screaming. Sure enough, the dudes are coming for them – except no. They’re just coming to steal Hunter’s car, seeing as being stuck 2000 feet up in the air diminishes the possibility of getting caught by the owners significantly. They rev up her SUV and drive off. Damn, that’s cold, my dudes. I hope you never get that check.

OK so, it’s nighttime, which is the perfect time for the movie to put us to sleep. It’s only been 55 minutes, so if they want to get this sucker to feature film length some more stuff’s going to have to happen. But the writers have stuck their protagonists on a tiny little platform 2000 feet in the air in the middle of the desert, so what else can they do except work in some silly emotional beats that don’t resonate at all. These characters are pretty one-dimensional to start with, so there’s no reason anyone would care about their relationship conflicts, but movie’s gotta movie, so here we go.

Somehow the gals have fallen asleep sitting upright with their backs against the pole. I guess Becky could do some pole dancing to spice things up, but hurt leg and all, right? Anyway, Hunter starts to roll off the tower in her sleep but Becky catches her, then tells her that Dan could never say I love you. What is this stupid trope? I know I’ve heard it before, and it’s ridiculous. Why would you marry a dude who can’t say he loves you? That’s clearly problematic. You’d almost think a dude who couldn’t say I love you to his wife might be cheating on her, which is why Becky says this to Hunter after we get another shot of her 143 instep tattoo. Hunter immediately cops to having slept with Danger Dan. Man, she cracked easily. Being trapped atop a 2000 tower really gets to you after a while, I guess. Bafflingly, Becky does not toss Hunter off the tower, but she does move to the other side of the pole so they are back to back. Heh.

But honestly, who cares about any of this? Dan was literally onscreen for like, 40 seconds before meeting his maker, and we saw nothing about Becky’s relationship with him to make us care at all about this situation. Hell, we know more about Becky and Hunter’s relationship than we know about either one of their relationships to Danger Dan, and we barely know anything about Becky and Hunter. How long have they been friends? How did they meet? Did they go to college together, or just pass each other on the way up a mountain? When did Danger Dan come into the picture? Who knew Dan first? Did Hunter and Dan sleep together before or after he married Becky? These things matter, folks, and we know none of it. Hell, we know more about the pole than we do any other character, so I’m Team Pole now. Go fight win, pole. We’re all rooting for you.

The sun has risen, and Hunter is explaining why and how she fell in love with Dan. I wonder if they’ve been having this conversation all night or if they’ve just picked the subject back up for some reason. There’s nothing all that unusual revealed here – she just couldn’t help falling in love with Dan – with Dan, for some reason – but when Becky asked her to be her maid of honor at their wedding she ended it. That – doesn’t seem soon enough, DD. She says she loved Dan, but she loved Becky more, and I can’t see how either of those things are any consolation to Becky now that she’s stuck up a pole without a ladder, so whatever Hunter. And for that matter, whatever Becky, because there is nothing interesting in any of this at all.

It appears the movie has wasted enough time, though, because Hunter decides to try and rappel down to the satellite tower and retrieve their backpack. Becky tells her it’s a bad idea, and Hunter pops off with “Maybe you’ll get lucky and I’ll fall,” which, way to make this all about you, Ms. Passive Aggressive. She ties one end of the rope to the tower pole, then lowers herself down off the tower while holding on to it. I don’t think there’s any maybe about this, Hunter. You are definitely gonna fall.

Except she doesn’t. She somehow makes it down to the satellite dish and leaps onto it without either her or the dish falling to the ground.

See what I mean? No matter how lame and plot-holey parts of this movie might be, shots like this will always give you the willies. So good job, movie. More of this, less of relationships with Dan, please. Speaking of plot holes, here comes one of my favorites: Hunter makes it onto the satellite and retrieves the backpack. But oh noes! The rope is too far away for her to reach it and climb back up! Never mind that Becky could clearly just MOVE THE ROPE OVER TO WHERE HUNTER COULD REACH IT. Nope. Hunter ends up having to do all sorts of acrobatics here to get the backpack and herself back up to the platform because Becks is either too stupid or too pissed at her to just swing the damn rope closer to the satellite dish. I mean, I am not a climber but even I could figure this one out.

We go through a whole thing where Hunter has to get the backpack hooked onto the rope and then she has to do this Cirque du Soleil-style leap to grab onto it herself, but of course, she eventually pulls this off. Speaking of, imagine how cool this movie would have been if Hunter and Becky had been Cirque du Soleil performers. They’d totally be on the ground by now. Oh, who am I kidding? Clearly, they would both be clowns.

Now it’s Becky’s turn to access her superhuman strength to pull Hunter, and the backpack, back up to the platform. She almost does it too, except at the last minute Hunter’s foot slips, and she goes hurtling back down. Did she die? Of course not. She’s still at the end of the rope, but now she’s sitting on top of the backpack, having ripped open her palms in the fall. Becky now has to pull Hunter back up on her own, as she sits on the backpack because Hunter can’t use her hands anymore. You know how this ends. She pulls it off, and Hunter is saved. Okay, movie. It was way more fun than watching these two talk about how much they loved Danger Dan, so I’ll go with it

Now they have water, and Hunter’s drone. This is where we find out Hunter didn’t bring extra batteries, so way to go Hunter. If only they had a way to charge the drone back up again…

There’s a dream sequence that doesn’t matter so I’m skipping it, except to say there are vultures. Or maybe they’re buzzards -I don’t know shit about birds. This might be important later. The next morning they realize they can probably use the big blinking red light at the tippy top of the tower to charge the drone, you know – just like Hunter showed us back in the diner! So now Becky has to crawl her skinny ass up even higher – I mean, however high it is, it’s more than 2,000 feet so does it even matter – so she can take the light bulb out and stick the drone charger in there, and hold it in place while the thing charges. I mean, bitch doesn’t even have shoes at this point, but whatever. She somehow pulls herself up there, with Hunter encouraging her by singing – you guessed it – Cherry Pie, and apparently, this big-ass tower with its big-ass red light just has a regular-ass old light bulb in it that she can take out and use the base as a charger. That seems improbable, but whatever. It works. Later, seventeen planes crash right into the tower because Becks took the bulb out. Hey, let’s watch that movie!

Before the drone fully charges, a buzzardy-vulture-ish creature starts whacking Becks with its claws, because of course it does. It’s actually – kinda funny. Unfortunately, Becky learned nothing from the time she lost their backpack when the ladder went all un-ladderish on her, because she’s carrying it again, and the devil bird manages to knock it off her shoulder. Down it goes, right past Hunter, who just – stands there and watches it fall. It literally flies right past her, and Magic Hand could have grabbed that thing in an instant, but she doesn’t even try. What gives, Hunter?

Becky fights off the demon bird somehow, gets the drone charged, and shimmies back down the pole (Cherry Pie, indeed) so they can attach an SOS to the drone and send it flying in the hopes of it reaching the hotel where they stayed. You know, down in that tiny little toy town. As soon as Becky is back on solid platform she asks Hunter why she didn’t catch the backpack, but before Hunter can totally not answer her at all, Becks barfs over the side and the moment is forgotten. They need to get a message down to Tiny Town pronto. We’re an hour and 24 minutes in, so this could be the thing that really works – except the dumbasses fly too close to the street as it reaches the hotel – and crunch. A truck smashes it to pieces. Damn, these two have the worst luck ever.

It’s getting dark, and Becks is losing energy along with her last vestiges of hope. She wants to sleep. She doesn’t think she can make it through another night. Hunter, who seems in much better shape than Becky at this point, tells her not to talk like that. Nonsensically, she tells Becky she needs to eat something. Yeah, no shit, Hunter, but what is she supposed to eat? Hunter tells her there’s always a solution, and clearly no, there’s not, but Hunter warns Becks that she can’t fall asleep because the demon birds can smell her rotten leg wound and are just waiting to pounce on her. I don’t know if this is how demon birds actually work, but hey, something’s gotta end these two at some point so fine. Still, Hunter is acting peculiarly calm right now. Becky says they should try to drop her cell phone, which has yet to run out of battery life somehow, and asks if they can use Hunter’s other shoe to cushion it. Hunter says she can’t, because her other shoe isn’t up on the platform. Becks is confused. What do you mean? It’s right there on your foot. Except that Hunter’s foot isn’t on the platform. It’s on the satellite dish below, where the rest of Hunter’s dead body is. Dun-dun-duhhhhhhn!

Ghost-Hunter (heh) tells Becks that after she retrieved the backpack from the dish, then slipped when she was almost back to the tower, Becky did not, in fact, save her by pulling her back up while she sat on the backpack. What really happened is that Hunter fell all the way back onto the satellite dish and bled out, She even asks Becky if she really believed that she was strong enough to pull Hunter all the way back up on her own, to which I say, good point, Hunter. Finally, someone realizes the implausibility of all this. Becky freaks out, rightly so, and as Hunter’s voice fades out for good she says that Becks was too afraid to admit to herself that she was all alone, so she hallucinated Hunter still being alive. This is a silly plot twist that was in no way needed, so that’s all I am gonna say about it. Moving on.

Now it’s dark and windy and thundering, and Becky’s hanging on to that pole for dear life. Cherry Pie, Becky, Cherry Pie. She pulls a Blair Witch and uses her iPhone with it’s Miracle Battery to record a goodbye message to Dad, since she’s clearly gonna die up there now. It gets confusing at this point, because as Becks is recording this message it cuts to her father, trying to text her on his phone, and it sure looks like he is listening to the message Becky recorded. Maybe Dad is hallucinating too? No, the movie is just showing us what Dad is doing at the exact moment Becks is recording her message, but it’s still confusing.

Cut to the next morning, and Becks is looking a lot like someone who’s been stuck atop a 2,000-foot tower for days. In other words, she looks dead. A vulture agrees, and settles down to munch on her leg wound. Nom nom nom goes the vulture. Oh hell no, goes Becky, and she and the vulture engage in a battle of the wits and wings. Once again, it’s pretty funny. There’s no way to fight a big ass bird and not look ridiculous, it seems. But Becky wins the battle, breaks the bird’s neck, and then turns the platform on it by eating the damn thing raw. Ew. I feel ike this should at least make her a little queasy if not downright ill, but no, Dead Buzzard gives her more energy than a Red Bull (how can they have not made that a marketing drink? Dead Buzzard! More Energy Than a Cherry Pie!) and Becky is officially OVER this fucking tower.

Looking every inch like the buzzard-eating badass she is, Becky pulls her hair back, hooks herself to the rope, and lowers herself over the side of the platform. In spite of all the silliness this movie contains, I think the actress really nails this scene. If only she’d nailed the ladder to the tower better none of this would have been necessary, but then we wouldn’t have been able to see Becky really take her power back. and haul herself down to the satellite dish where Hunter’s body is.

The music crescendos as Becky rappels down to the dish and unhooks herself when she runs out of rope, landing next to Hunter like she’s been doing this shit all her life. I’m inspired in spite of myself – how can I not be? Bitch just ate a raw bird and slid 100 feet down a 2,000-foot tower in the blink of an eye. Give us more Becky! There’s a vulture on the dish that is not pleased Becks interrupted its dinner. Becky looks it square in the eye and stares that fowl down, and the vulture dips. That chick has vulture blood dripping down her chin, man. I ain’t messin with that.

Becky holds Hunter’s dead hand for a while and I gotta say Hunty doesn’t look all that dead to me. What if Becks is hallucinating again, and she’s really cuddling a dead vulture? But we know she is not, because she types out a text to her dad telling him where she is, yanks off Hunter’s other shoe (I was half expecting Hunter to have a tattoo of her Dad’s face on her other foot, but no) and then – to be sure her phone makes a soft landing – she shoves the shoe all the way down into one of Hunter’s flesh wounds – and shoves that chick right off the satellite dish. Sorry, Hunter, she tells her, but I have to be sure this message gets through. The new iPhone 17! It sends texts through human flesh! But also, you cannot convince me a little part of her did not enjoy doing that. Bye-bye, Hunter. Tell Dan I’m not afraid of living.

Then the satellite dish gives a sickening lurch, just to remind us that Becky is still most likely as good as dead. And then the movie makes the weirdest choice. We cut from that to Becky’s Dad, driving like a bat out of hell through the night. He drives past the Tiny Town Hotel and the smashed drone. Ooooh, maybe he’s gonna have to climb up to the satellite and get Becky down! How cool would that be? But no – he approaches the B67 tower and there are flashing lights and helicopters all around. Aw damn, Dad doesn’t get to play hero? But still, watching a helicopter lift Becks off that tower will look really cool. Except – no. Dad gets out of his car, and there’s a dead body on the ground covered with a sheet. I think the movie is trying to trick me into believing that this is Becky – clearly, that is what Dad thinks – but I never thought it was anyone other than Hunter. I mean, this movie is NOT going to deprive us of the moment Becky gets rescued off that tower, is it? Except yes, it is.

Just as Dad is about to lose his shit, we hear Becky call out to him. She’s sitting in an ambulance covered in a blanket. Um, yay? She’s alive, and while Dad is happy, I can’t help but feel let down. How could we not see Becky’s rescue at all? Is it just to give us a cheap half-second of thinking she’s dead like her father does? That’s all I can figure because otherwise, the choice makes zero sense. Becky runs into her father’s arms, tells him she is going to be okay, and as Hunter’s body is carried away, we hear her voice repeating her inspiring speech about how life is short and blah blah blah. I don’t like this choice either. It should have been Becky’s voice we hear in those last movie moments, not her cheating friend who carelessly led her up a tower and almost got her killed. Wrong move, movie. Wrong move.

But yay for Becky anyway. I mean, the movie didn’t give her the full resurrection she deserved, but she made the most of what she did get. Now I just want to see her hunt down those guys that stole Hunter’s car and beat their lousy asses.